Project Black Take #4

Yup... I'm posting a black and white picture sorry... You'll just have to take my word for it that his hair is black and there is black in his shirt. If you don't believe me this little guy was in my first post for Project Black, he's my younger cousin. I love this shot of him... He's such a little thinker even though he's only 4 as well as being QUITE a little fireball. 

Where to begin with this post? I mentioned in a previous post how my heart is with so many people in so many different places around the world... Well, one piece of my heart died this morning along with my older cousin Ben. I can't even begin to express how much it hurts to have lost him so suddenly. Anna asked me when I was going to post about him so here goes. 

Ben was amazing. His family moved to Africa years ago and Ben attended Rift Valley Academy in Kijabe, Kenya. During his Sophmore year my uncle and the doctors in Africa realized that he had contracted Rheumatic Heart Disease and that his Aortic valve wasn't working properly. The fall of his Junior year (my freshman year) Ben's whole family came back and stayed with my family while he had open heart surgery at CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia). The valve in his heart was repaired and after recovering he went back to how he was before, playing soccer, going to school, etc. with no limitations. The last two years Ben has been attending Covenant College, playing soccer, and of course goofing off like every college student... This summer he went back to Kenya for his younger brother's graduation. While in Kenya he had a stroke. He unknowingly got and infection in his valve and the clots went to his brain. He then also had pneumonia. While he was with my uncle being med-evaced to South Africa he died when something happened to his heart. 

I can't believe he's gone... He was so young, so energetic, and with so much ahead of him. I loved him so much. He was my older cousin, my friend, and most importantly my brother in Christ. Through all his trials, surgeries, complications and set backs he always had a smile on his face and rested in the knowledge that God was in control of his life and had a plan. I called Anna this morning in and while I was sobbing she said "God took him Anna, God took him." God did take him. I wish God hadn't taken him, I wish he was still here, I wish I was still going to see him in August. I was talking online to one of his friends a little while ago who I met when he came to visit Ben after his surgery. We talked about Ben, how we wished we could have seen him one more time before he left us, how we both loved him, how great he was. At one point we were talking about how we felt selfish for wishing he was still here with us while Heaven where he is is so much more unfathomably better than him being here on Earth and Martyn told me about how once when they both were having heart problems they walked to the top of Mount Kenya and when they got to the top Ben said "I think God creates places like this so we can get little glimpses of Heaven." As if I hadn't been crying enough through our conversation I was full out sobbing when I told Martyn "Well he doesn't need glimpses any more because he has the whole thing to look at." I miss Ben so much more than I could ever think I could. It hurts to much to think that I won't ever see him again, I won't ever talk to him about soccer, I won't get to argue about Manchester United and Liverpool with him or Real Madrid and Barcelona, we won't sit in my house playing FIFA, we won't make late night trips to Dunkin' Donuts because he's got jetlag and needs to stay up, we won't race down the beach to the water or ride the kayak through the waves and compare who had the most crazy wipeouts, I won't interrogate him about his girl friends and he won't give me lectures about what guys I shouldn't date, we won't laugh at our memories of when we were younger with his brother and we all won't go through old family videos and laugh at our moms' weird hair. I could go on, and on, and on and on about what I won't be able to do with him in this life but I have to keep reminding myself that this life will be gone in the blink of an eye and then for eternity we can be together celebrating the presence of our magnificent savior who despite what we may feel or think at various points loves us so much and had our lives planned before we were even born. He is sovereign and is in control of everything. 

I don't understand why Ben is gone and I never will. I will always miss him and love him. 

When I went for a jog today in between sobbing and trying to breathe I listened on repeat for 2 hours this song by Caedmon's Call... I can't think of anything else to say. I hurt, I cry, I wonder, I miss and I don't have any answers but I will see Ben again and I have to rest in that knowledge.

Late at night I wonder why
Sometimes I wonder why
Sometimes I'm so tired
I don't even try
Seems everything around me fails
But I hold on to the promise
That there is a reason

Chorus:
Late at night, the darkness makes it hard to see
The history of the saints who've gone in front of me
Through famine, plague and disbelief
His hand was still upon them
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

He makes all things good
He makes all things good
There's a time to live and a time to die
A time for wonder and to wonder why
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

I believe in a God who sent His only son
To walk upon this world and give His life for us
With blood and tears on a long, dark night
We know that He believed
That there is a reason
There is a reason

Chorus:

For the lonely nights
And broken hearts
The widow's mite
In the rich man's hand
And the continent
Whose blood becomes a traitor

For the child afraid to close their eyes
The prayers that seem unanswered
There is a reason
There is a reason

Chorus:



This one was edited by Anna C.