This shot is of my younger cousin. She was so much fun to be with this past weekend. She and I did a little-mini photo shoot on Saturday night after dinner. She'll probably be featured in my next few posts.
What to say? Anna suggested writing an email to my friend but I didn't feel like an email was what I was looking for right now... Journaling? You don't get feedback from the pen and paper really though... So blogging is the answer. The service for Ben was on Saturday in Lexington, NC. It was a beautiful service and a wonderful celebration of Ben's life. I cried more tears in that amount of time then I thought I would. Just when I thought I was okay I started again. I was so glad for the friend sitting next to through out the whole service. The hardest part of the service wasn't watching the slide show of pictures that I had put together, it wasn't listening to Jesse speak or Uncle Dan or Aunt Lynda, it wasn't hearing David Neilson recount his memories of Ben at Covenant, or hearing his grandfather thank everyone for their support of the family through this time, it was sitting in the front of the church staring at the box that now held the body of my cousin who I love so much. Knowing that his body was in a box that in a short amount of time would be buried, never to be seen again in this life. I wanted to hear his voice telling me everything was going to be okay, I wanted one of his strong hugs after being apart for so long, I wanted to see him laugh, I wanted to wake up out of the daze I was in to find out that it wasn't real. How could it be real? How could I be at his funeral? How could he be gone? Even now as I write this and the tears continue to fall I can't believe it. He shouldn't be gone. I know that if he were here he would want me to to be strong and to trust in the knowledge that God is in control. I feel as if I have an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I want to be with him, I don't want to hurt anymore, I have questions that will never be answered, I miss him... I miss him so much more that I ever would have thought possible. I wish I could have heard his voice one last time. I wish I could have said goodbye.