Little Maddie
This shot is of my younger cousin. She was so much fun to be with this past weekend. She and I did a little-mini photo shoot on Saturday night after dinner. She'll probably be featured in my next few posts.
What to say? Anna suggested writing an email to my friend but I didn't feel like an email was what I was looking for right now... Journaling? You don't get feedback from the pen and paper really though... So blogging is the answer. The service for Ben was on Saturday in Lexington, NC. It was a beautiful service and a wonderful celebration of Ben's life. I cried more tears in that amount of time then I thought I would. Just when I thought I was okay I started again. I was so glad for the friend sitting next to through out the whole service. The hardest part of the service wasn't watching the slide show of pictures that I had put together, it wasn't listening to Jesse speak or Uncle Dan or Aunt Lynda, it wasn't hearing David Neilson recount his memories of Ben at Covenant, or hearing his grandfather thank everyone for their support of the family through this time, it was sitting in the front of the church staring at the box that now held the body of my cousin who I love so much. Knowing that his body was in a box that in a short amount of time would be buried, never to be seen again in this life. I wanted to hear his voice telling me everything was going to be okay, I wanted one of his strong hugs after being apart for so long, I wanted to see him laugh, I wanted to wake up out of the daze I was in to find out that it wasn't real. How could it be real? How could I be at his funeral? How could he be gone? Even now as I write this and the tears continue to fall I can't believe it. He shouldn't be gone. I know that if he were here he would want me to to be strong and to trust in the knowledge that God is in control. I feel as if I have an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I want to be with him, I don't want to hurt anymore, I have questions that will never be answered, I miss him... I miss him so much more that I ever would have thought possible. I wish I could have heard his voice one last time. I wish I could have said goodbye.
2 comments:
Precious photo. And it perfectly matches your banner.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, Anna. The mark of a great writer is the ability to wrap words around human experience in such a way that readers feel as though you've stepped inside their souls. I believe you have that gift.
Praying for you.
Love, Jeanne
Anna,
I lost my father 19 years ago now. Much of what you write here about missing your cousin in how I feel about my dad. I know it's often said that time heals. In a sense, it's true. I still miss my father every day. But I look back and smile a lot more now. The pain of the loss is still back there somewhere, but not like it was when it was fresh. A time is coming when you'll reflect and smile, without so much pain.
Post a Comment